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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Lesson number 9617

As with life, I am learning lessons what is seemingly everyday. The latest lesson being taught to me is to stop sharing so much. I have people who I tend to share everything with. I tell them things that are personal, financial, emotional, physical, honest, candid, etc. I openly discuss issues or things directed at my life without feeling I will be judged or spoken about.

NOW, however, it is becoming clear to me I am not as secure as I feel. Things I have shared in the past are popping up ever so slightly and being judged. I am able to tell that things I have spoken about to someone in trust are being talked about in detail behind my back. People have opinions of me as a person that are not exactly complimentary, and not at all true. I think people are taking advantage and loosing sight of what they respected in me before, my ability to be honest and forthright. Maybe they are losing their patience with my confidence? Maybe they are being fake to me to start with, and appeasing me by not being honest? Maybe I am just a good topic of conversation when I happen to not be around. ;)

I am kinda glad this is happening. It gives me a chance to withdraw to protect myself. Not from the relationships, that would be silly and childish. But from the depth of what communication is shared, and the extent that I offer myself. This is such a weird thing to blog about, because isn't this where I share? Sure, but not in detail. I keep details of important things under wraps and only share what could be public knowledge anyways. Here I can vent and spill out to what seems like a wall, but there are actually caring people on the other end willing to read my boringness.

This blog is pointless. I really need a 'Pointless Tuesdays'. But damn does it feel good to have a pity party without burdening someone directly. If you became party of my pity party, it was because you stuck around to deal with it willingly. LOL... Sometimes you need to just sit and say "screw it, I got my feelings hurt, I feel sorry for myself" and move on.

Screw it, I got my feelings hurt, I feel sorry for myself.

I have moved on.


Laura said...

Oh dear. I'm so sorry you're feeling down and hurt. I know the feeling of opening up to someone and having it end up bringing me pain. I also know that I have a tendency to hold back in general and not take risks in friendship sometimes, and then wonder if I'm missing something great. So I frustrate myself on both ends! LOL

Big hugs...

Kara said...

"If you became party of my pity party, it was because you stuck around to deal with it willingly."

HeHe. I kinda chuckled when I read this part. Sometimes the truth is funny.

I'm sorry that you have been made to feel the way that you do. I think that it is weak character for others to talk behind someone's back. JMO though - not worth that much.

Dahlia said...

I totally understand what that is like. *hugs*