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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I love him....

Hubby, that is.

Rewind back to Sunday. He turned 27 Sunday. We had mommy-daddy time and went to see a movie. The Dark Knight, if you haven't yet seen it, is a MUST see in the theaters. I am sure it will be wonderful on your HDTV with surround sound, but there's nothing creepier than seeing Heath Ledger on the big screen in all his freaking creepy glory! That movie was awesome. We then went to Gordon Bierch, and despite sharing a beer sampler and having a glass each, it didn't ruin my diet. LOL.... we talked about a lot of things we don't typically talk about, being kid free and all. it was nice, and a great refresher for us. Just those few hours made me realize we need to do it more often.

Then yesterday, it was like a new life started. We made some pretty big decisions this last weekend for our family and future, and I think that sparked something in him. On my way home from work, after a miserable terrible day of emotions for me, while on the phone with him, he exploded. Not at me at all, but about everything holding us down or back. About all the nonsense going on right now. He took a pretty large stand on some things, while in the past he would just sit back and be quiet. He got serious about our financial situation and financial future, he made his stand on the issue with a certain 'family' member who is harming the wellness and happiness of my mom, us 4 'kids' and my kids, he put his foot down on some of the pain I have been going through lately with friendships, and said it was time to start either repairing or purging the shit in our lives. He reminded me of all the wonderful things coming up that our energy should be going towards. We are going to Disney soon, he has an AMAZING opportunity going to the midwest for a week to train a large group of people there on new procedures, I am heading to Sacramento to help some not-so-stranger-friends throw a baby shower for my always faithful Bestie, we have holidays with my babies which offer a new experience every year they grow older, I have THREE shows with my business that will be sure to wipe out my hard worked on inventory with my business, we have ANOTHER (yes, another) trip to Disney planned with my family, my daughter is turning 4, and we are moving into a new home! WOW, the next 4 months really do have a lot of positives to focus on. And while we have been sitting here letting other people get to us, we have lost sight of what is truly important. He helped me to see all too blatantly clear who in our family, and who in our friends, are ones who are truly there because they want to be. The ones who truly care to be involved.

It's time to be strong. It's time to put on our tunnel vision and not focus on all the stuff that doesn't want to be on our path with us. Hubby has really taken a stand on our family, and for that I am more grateful than anyone could realize. I am going to follow him in this stand and feed off his strength. He really is a great guy. And his hugs are priceless. ;)

So, I spent some time last night. I asked God to help me with forgiveness, which is easy for me for some friends but a HUGE feat when it comes to one man in particular. I have put it in my heart to truly make an effort to try and forgive those who have attacked me or ones I love, those who have accused me or ones I love, those who have hurt me or the ones I love, those who have judged me or ones I love. Carrying the bitterness and anger or offense to those things are unhealthy and junk up my ability to follow God and His plan.

Moving, Really

Things with the job move have dragged on. It is still happening, but the corporation Hubby works for is currently in survival mode. they are the strongest in their industry, but they are working triple pace to keep ahead of the curve on this dwindling economy. That being said, the promotion is needed and coming, but while in this survival mode, we have prepared to wait.

Because of the area we live in, we took a bit harder hit on the housing value problem than some other places. We built and purchased our home in 2001, financing $123k. We refinanced once to $180k when the value got up to $235k, to pay off debts and such. Soon after we refinanced, the housing market crashed. Living rural, in an area that is still building, we took a severe hit because builders, in desperation, started offering brand new builds for less than established homes were worth. Our value dropped to $185k in early 2007 and builders started selling for $140k again. Over the course of the past year and a half, due to the builders shafting us established homeowners, people started dumping their homes. Either by selling them for rediculous amounts or foreclosing. This brought our value down even further. According to Zillow, today my home is worth only $149k.

Due to all of that, and our hopes for the future, we realize now we cannot ride it out anymore. We spend about $550-600 in gas per month to commute, we pay 4x's the amount for private water than residents in town pay, we have no firestation coverage since everyone in our area has to pay dues to a rural station to be covered, and we cannot put our kids into activities because we live too far from town for it to be possible. The home being rural was worth it when we had $60-70k in equity, even when it dropped to $20-40k in equity..... but now it is at a position to where it will take nearly a decade for my house to break even. That is not someting we are willing to ride out. For the financial betterment of our family, and convenience of location, we decided to take the next to least most noble route and run a short sale on our home. Basically, settle a debt for less than owed by selling it to an investor. Great things about these are they are more responsible than just running out on a loan and foreclosing, and you are only help the the pain on your credit for a few short years. Things I am willing to survive in order to close this chapter on our lives and do what we feel is the best choice for us. The amount we will save by renting in town will be nearly the amount of an entire paycheck I bring home.

Leaving our house will be hard, no doubt. We were young engaged 'kids' when we bought it, we got married and started a home in it, we have had fights and special moments in it, we conceived and brought home our babies to it, we have raised them to this point in it. But like I told my mom, it is just walls and stucco. It's the family inside that make it a home. And that family inside right now is scraping every month to maintain the home, while still trying to provide some special things for our kids that are so important for us to provide to them, and that is something we do not feel we should sacrafice. The relief we will feel when we can breathe again is going to be amazing. I am sure it will feel like a steel rod was pulled off our lungs.\

So thats the story, and what the recent 'moving' references are about!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Just when...

things seem to be ok, calm and finally even keeled, life decides to blow up again. My what a hard year the 1st part of the year was. But we survived it. And through the summer, things seemed to get better in so many aspects. But more recently, it is like I have a red Target on my chest, and back. I feel I am getting attacked from all angles and the anxiety I carry now is immense. I am anxious about the smallest of things, like calling a customer or talking with friends or family, and in turn I end up screwing up! I am constantly on the fear that I am going to mess everything up or something is going to happen. And I have so many issues unresolved that I have tried to resolve, with no acceptance, that I don't even know what to do anymore.

I am confident God is working on something huge in our lives, which is why in turn we are being attacked by Satan even harder. It is coming from everywhere though, and it makes it hard to really trust something good is coming out of it all. Long time friends, financial aspects, family members, our jobs, and even small day to day challenges we have been faced with. I have stopped even sharing my feelings on subjects important to me, I have stopped initiating conversations with people much past generic talk to avoid problems. This isn't me but I have such a grey cloud following me of unacceptance and anger, I never know when it will downpour.

I just want life to be good for once. I want people to be happy, trusting, accepting of apologies. I am at a point now to where even my apologies are being ignored or unaccepted, and I want so badly for them to believe I am honest in my repentance. I don't want to be pushed out of situations or places I truly feel a part of. I don't want to be talked about and ganged up on without being given a chance. I don't want people to forget the person I have consistently been, even in light of something they may be upset with me for now. Stand by a friend, not against them.

I don't even know what to do anymore. But I am starting to realize I can only do so much, and if someone doesn't want to talk to me or accept my apologies, I am forced to move on. It hurts me, badly, but what can I do at this point? My health and my personality are struggling because I am constantly upset.

God will not give me more than I can handle. But sometimes I wish I were a weaker human so I couldn't handle less.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

BabyBoy Turns 1

Yesterday was BabyBoy's 1st birthday. In timely fashion, we had his pictures done!

He looks like such a big boy! And the cheery smiles you see in each pictures is truly a reflection of his personality!

I thought instead of gushing over how old he is and how I cannot get over how fast time flies, I'd re-post his birth story.......
Wow.... amazing. It’s incredible how in just a few days time, things completely change- not only in the world around you, but in your own personality. Becoming the ‘mom of 2' has been the most natural transition for me. I think becoming the wife of a marriage of 2 has been harder than actually being the mom! Thursday at 3pm, I started having small contractions. Over the next 24hours, Bestie and I kept a strict log and timed them all. They were always less than 10 minutes apart, lasting 32-45 seconds. We went to eat dinner, I took a bath, got some sleep. It was actually kinda nice! Friday, we decided to go walk the mall and by the time we got there and ate some lunch, I was contracting pretty good. We decided to run over to triage and have them give me an idea of what was going on. Well, turns out my cervix had not changed a bit since Tuesday morning! Still 1.5cm and 70%. I was very upset. I had a slightly elevated BP, and they ran some labs to rule out pregnancy induced hypertension. Everything was ok. They decided to schedule me to come in Saturday to get the gel version of induction to help my cervix along a bit. We went home and I actually slept, even after intense contracting all day! So Saturday morning we woke up, started getting ready and as we were leaving to go wait for the call at my mom’s, they called me to come in at 1pm! EEEK! So we took BabyGirl to my brother in laws, and headed to the hospital! When I got there, they started the outpatient paperwork to get the gel started. She checked me and I was a 3cm and 80%. YAY! It was a bit too far along for the gel, so we decided to just run with it for Pitocin. They started my Pitocin at maybe 330p, and things got rolling! Everything was cool, and we decided to go for the epidural at about 6pm. The epidural guy was amazing, and it was a very smooth process! I had some complications afterwards with my blood pressure dipping low, I was in the 90's/ 30's.... and got VERY sick. Eventually, we got it back up, and then BabyBoy started having decels in his heart! Laying on my right side and some Oxygen helped things out, thank goodness. At about 9-930p, I was a 4-5cm and 80%. I really was getting nervous about not progressing! AND we were upset because the doctor on call for my doctor was not one I would have preferred, and he is one that REFUSES to break water! It was very frustrating, especially when BabyBoy’s heart rate was dipping. My mom and Hubby were obsessively looking at the monitors praying my water would just break! At 10p, my water broke! It was the most AMAZING feeling! You could hear the pop-GUSH and it was such a relief! Instantly, I started feeling that stronger urge to push. So she checked me, and yes, things were ready! They called to call the doctor back and he was 25minutes away! SO, basically, I had to HOLD it for 30 minutes before I could push him out! They got sufficient nurses in the room just in case, and BabyBoy’s head kept wanting to come out. That was the most exhausting and torturous thing I have ever been asked to do. Yelling was the ONLY way I could keep from pushing! So the doctor walks in, I was praising the heavens for him finally getting there, and I pushed for maybe 10 minutes. A small tear and at 1038pm, my baby boy was born at 8lbs 1oz and 20inches long. His head came out at a whopping 14"! He took right to the breast, like he has been doing it for years! He is the most amazing, mellow and content baby! He has a special little whimper when he is hungry, and cries only when he is being changed. He falls asleep easily between nighttime feedings, and I actually feel rested in the mornings! He eats pretty much every 2 hours, and my milk came in quickly so he is one happy boy. I am so in love with my son..... all the worries I had of having a boy are completely foolish now that I look back! I can see how the ‘momma’s boy’ theory holds so much truth! WOW...... these little miracles God allows us to have are what makes life worth living. I think the funniest thing is watching his big sister interact with him. She calls him ‘my baby’ and wants to always hold and hug him. She is sooooooo gentle and truly, truly loves him. Of course, she has been sassy with mommy and daddy, but that will continue to evolve with time. Everything in my life has doubled. The joy, happiness, will to live, faith in God..... everything. BabyBoy instantly created an entire new part of me I never knew there was room for!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Democrat? Pro Life? Is it possible?

My sweet friend Laura posted what I would have to say is the most eloquent, easily understood explaination on the abortion issue related to politics that I have ever read.

Please visit this entry by clicking here.

Thanks Laura! I am sure you will be able to shed some light to people who are struggling with this very decision!