Monday, September 15, 2008

Just when...

things seem to be ok, calm and finally even keeled, life decides to blow up again. My what a hard year the 1st part of the year was. But we survived it. And through the summer, things seemed to get better in so many aspects. But more recently, it is like I have a red Target on my chest, and back. I feel I am getting attacked from all angles and the anxiety I carry now is immense. I am anxious about the smallest of things, like calling a customer or talking with friends or family, and in turn I end up screwing up! I am constantly on the fear that I am going to mess everything up or something is going to happen. And I have so many issues unresolved that I have tried to resolve, with no acceptance, that I don't even know what to do anymore.

I am confident God is working on something huge in our lives, which is why in turn we are being attacked by Satan even harder. It is coming from everywhere though, and it makes it hard to really trust something good is coming out of it all. Long time friends, financial aspects, family members, our jobs, and even small day to day challenges we have been faced with. I have stopped even sharing my feelings on subjects important to me, I have stopped initiating conversations with people much past generic talk to avoid problems. This isn't me but I have such a grey cloud following me of unacceptance and anger, I never know when it will downpour.

I just want life to be good for once. I want people to be happy, trusting, accepting of apologies. I am at a point now to where even my apologies are being ignored or unaccepted, and I want so badly for them to believe I am honest in my repentance. I don't want to be pushed out of situations or places I truly feel a part of. I don't want to be talked about and ganged up on without being given a chance. I don't want people to forget the person I have consistently been, even in light of something they may be upset with me for now. Stand by a friend, not against them.

I don't even know what to do anymore. But I am starting to realize I can only do so much, and if someone doesn't want to talk to me or accept my apologies, I am forced to move on. It hurts me, badly, but what can I do at this point? My health and my personality are struggling because I am constantly upset.

God will not give me more than I can handle. But sometimes I wish I were a weaker human so I couldn't handle less.

2 comments:

Noah said...

*hugs*

Laura said...

I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you!

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