Thursday, July 9, 2009

Reality

I was talking tonight with an amazing, loving and faithful friend. It is always so easy to sit with her and talk about things, no matter what they be. And the spiritual energy boost she gives me is something I don't think she realizes she provides. And we think in such parallel thoughts, it's like we have scripted what we are thinking.

I told her tonight one thing I haven't verbalized to anyone yet. It is a feeling I have, or one that I lack, depending on how you look at it. I don't want it to sound over confident, naive or over spiritual. I don't want people to think I am not looking into the 'reality' of things. But I am going to share it, because I want people to know that I am more than just a train wreck. More than an emotional mess of a mother and spiritually clinging to God's coattails. But here goes.....

For some time now, I haven't have a single cell in my body that feels I am going to loose my Gabriella during the transplant.

There, I said it.

'Reality' tells me that the statistics for 1 year post transplant survival lay around 80% and 5 years post transplant lay around 80% of that original 80%. But my pediatrician (who is also a spiritual man and friend) reminded me God has no statistics.

'Reality' tells me her heart will stop and she will be transplanted with a foreign life source which is going to be a critical moment in time. But my faith tells me God will provide my daughter with the utmost perfect match and those doctors with the sharpest of minds and expertise.

'Reality' tells me that this is going to be a lifetime of struggle. Medications, set backs, close calls, restrictions, etc. But my heart tells me there will be an even bigger 'thing' (for lack of a better word) that will come of this. Whether it be to bring people together, guide people to God, advance in medical research.... whatever it is. My shining little star, my tiny dancer, has been chosen to do something bigger than most people do in their lifetime. She will make an impact, and I cannot wait to see how.

The 'reality' of a situation is always good to understand so you are fully equipped with the facts and data, but it is not always necessary to hang your hat on. The 'reality' of something is not a end all- be all. in my opinion, it is a boiler plate for how you let something affect your faith and emotions. Obsessing on the 'reality' of Gabriella's situation could really break me down to nothing. But the direction I choose to take that reality, the way I let it affect me and my faith and desires for the outcome, THAT'S in my control.

4 comments:

Kristen said...

Oh girl, I love you! Thank you for being so open and honest. I am so glad your faith is so strong. It's what is going to get you through this!

Melissa Olivas said...

Kristi, I just read the front page of your blog. I can relate to so much of what you have said. I don't even want to know statistics. Like you said, our God doesn't work in the statistics. I know the waiting sucks, I have to keep telling myself that God's timing is perfect. He knew before He created this world that our girls were going to be going through this. He already knows what the outcome is going to be and the glory that He will receive from it. When Angie was first diagnosed, God reminded me of a scripture passage. In Acts Peter is imprissoned waiting for the morning to come when he will most likely be killed. He is visited by an angel and he is so at peace in his sleep that the angel has to strike him to wake him up. Anyway, it's nice to talk to someone on the same journey. I think "Sharon" is the same Sharon I saw.

Noah said...

AMEN!

I know for myself that God does wonderful, unexpected things. When I was diagnosed with cancer they thought it was a type that was 80% fatal long-term. Had my operation and more extensive biopsy and it was a mild form with a reoccurence rate under 10% and an even lower fatality rate.

I'm sure God has a plan for G. And in the meantime I'll keep praying!

John said...

Our family has been following Gabriella's progress since we heard about this from a friend. Our 12 year old daughter, Allison, was diagnosed last January with Restrictive Cardiomyopathy and required a heart transplant which was completed April 16th. Similar story to your daughter---seemingly healthy girl has some sort of episode, then is diagnosed with RCM.

I really love this post and admire your strength and positive attitude. I relate to it because we went through similar emotions---fear and despair checked by faith and hope. My one recommendation (if I, a stranger, may offer it) is to refer back to your words here from time to time. You might need to in the months ahead. Not that I'm predicting they will be hard, but that there will be times when thoughts like these will be a real comfort.

As for what doctors and staticians tell you, your pediatrician is right, God doesn't work in statistics. My daughter---who now rides her bike and goes on hikes---is proof of that. Also, statistics are measurements of the past, they include people that went into the hospital with no other complications, and people that went in having had several heart operations. They don't take into account medical advances, which is such a huge part of our daughters' futures. Your daughter is healthy going in and you will be amazed at how quickly she recovers when she's out.

Know also that you have people praying for you in Chicago, people who have been through this, people who know that your daughter will be riding Dumbo at Disney World before you know it.

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