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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Reality

I was talking tonight with an amazing, loving and faithful friend. It is always so easy to sit with her and talk about things, no matter what they be. And the spiritual energy boost she gives me is something I don't think she realizes she provides. And we think in such parallel thoughts, it's like we have scripted what we are thinking.

I told her tonight one thing I haven't verbalized to anyone yet. It is a feeling I have, or one that I lack, depending on how you look at it. I don't want it to sound over confident, naive or over spiritual. I don't want people to think I am not looking into the 'reality' of things. But I am going to share it, because I want people to know that I am more than just a train wreck. More than an emotional mess of a mother and spiritually clinging to God's coattails. But here goes.....

For some time now, I haven't have a single cell in my body that feels I am going to loose my Gabriella during the transplant.

There, I said it.

'Reality' tells me that the statistics for 1 year post transplant survival lay around 80% and 5 years post transplant lay around 80% of that original 80%. But my pediatrician (who is also a spiritual man and friend) reminded me God has no statistics.

'Reality' tells me her heart will stop and she will be transplanted with a foreign life source which is going to be a critical moment in time. But my faith tells me God will provide my daughter with the utmost perfect match and those doctors with the sharpest of minds and expertise.

'Reality' tells me that this is going to be a lifetime of struggle. Medications, set backs, close calls, restrictions, etc. But my heart tells me there will be an even bigger 'thing' (for lack of a better word) that will come of this. Whether it be to bring people together, guide people to God, advance in medical research.... whatever it is. My shining little star, my tiny dancer, has been chosen to do something bigger than most people do in their lifetime. She will make an impact, and I cannot wait to see how.

The 'reality' of a situation is always good to understand so you are fully equipped with the facts and data, but it is not always necessary to hang your hat on. The 'reality' of something is not a end all- be all. in my opinion, it is a boiler plate for how you let something affect your faith and emotions. Obsessing on the 'reality' of Gabriella's situation could really break me down to nothing. But the direction I choose to take that reality, the way I let it affect me and my faith and desires for the outcome, THAT'S in my control.
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